I'm not single

I re-met a man from my past. Two years past, when he was 19, golden and gorgeous, and he saw in me something different, maybe the "babe with her shit together" cougar characteristics.

I wasn't expecting to see him, and we didn't pull each other in like magnets at first. I was two days past learning that my boyfriend of years was obviously not in love with me any longer, and I was shielding others from my possible desperation. I didn't know how raw it was on me. Didn't know if I looked different to him now with the time between us; maybe he felt shame about me. Maybe he had someone. I sure wasn't gonna risk any further rejection.

We circled each other with gentleness and smiles, inching closer over a few days until he was in my arms, in my bed. Even then, all I craved from him was his heat, his chest, his breathing under my ear. To be held by someone who cared about me. That hunger was wild and consuming. It slid so easily into the touch of sexuality. It was surprising, the richness of the comfort in that. We didn't consummate it right away, either.

He's even more beautiful now, taller, bigger, more "formed", in some way, more sure of who he is.

I thought at first some of the sudden closeness and familiarity we had was because we'd been together before. Having already fucked changes the dynamic of a courtship. Having spent a few days togehter in the past wasn't enough to account for that kind of connection and knowledge of each other that came so fast.

Even before we slept together we were glowing. We both were. I could feel the light we were emitting in each others' presence.

I'm single.

When your ex-boyfriend finds the time to message and visit before your "boyfriend" does, when they're working together and have been in town for a week, it kinda stings. Kinda puts how important you are to him in perspective.

I dumped him by text message. Nice symmetry, I thought, with the way I found out last year he was cheating.

I sure wish he'd gone for the seasonal relationship deal instead of the I'll prove I love you with my loyalty deal. Never works. I would've tapped a couple opportunities that have walked by, and he wouldn't be in turmoil.

My stomach is tying knots and I feel a little dazed, but I'm trying to focus on the freedom now stretching out expansively before me.

Not only that, but my ex had some illuminating extras. Apparently his current girlfriend and my "boyfriend"'s other woman have been calling me a bitch. I can only presume that's cuz I forgave my man and took him back last year, preventing her from inheriting him, and in the case of my ex's girl, because he never fails to tell anyone he's fucking that I'm the "only woman [he's] ever really loved." Because that really heats a girl up.

My "boyfriend" hasn't necessarily hooked up with the ghost of cheating past, but they hang out, frequently. When he first went back to work and contacted her immediately, I raged about it. Told him that that was supremely disrespectful to me and my feelings and fears.

Oh well. If I start thinking about his cock I'll have a hard time remembering all the reasons we're so done, but the evidence is overwhelming. It's high time, and I'm moving on. Good thing I did so much crying already. No need to plunge in again.